It was July 2017. The start of the rainy season. For some reason I have never liked the rains. The dull weather, very little sunlight and the unexpected rainshowers, always made me feel irritable. On the contrary, the greenery all around made me feel a bit fresh and alive, which was necessary as I wasn’t quite feeling that way from a long time.

I used to spend my time all alone at home, keeping myself locked in my room for hours. And when I wanted to sleep at night, exhausted from all the thoughts that kept running inside my head, I just could not! Simply because my mind had more time to wander here and there. Even if I did manage to sleep for an hour or so, I used to wake up finding it difficult to breathe. And all I could think of, was to run away from there, to find some air. Apparently, the air in my room wasn’t enough for me.

It was after twenty days of me behaving in a weird manner, that my mother decided to take me to a doctor for my little ‘sleeping problem’. It was then that I learned I was struggling from Insomnia. ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself’ the doctor had said and gave the necessary medicines. I managed to sleep good for the next few days. But don’t they say you really can’t find peace when something is eating you up from inside? Very soon sleeping at night became even harder. Taking walks outside, picking up the calls, watching TV, and even eating proper meals felt like very big tasks to me.

I woke up from my regular two hour sleep one morning, and straightaway went outside to make an important call. Not even a minute had passed and I felt something strange. I was aware of my breathlessness, it wasn’t new for me. What made it strange was the fact that it was happening early in the morning this time, in the daylight.. instead of happening in the darkness of night. I cut the call as I felt my heartbeat getting faster and faster by seconds. I called my mom out, though something told me that I’ll get a heart attack if I screamed. My mother took me to the doctor immediately. Another round of medicines followed for the next two days. I had never felt so weak in my life. I did not even care to see what medicines I was taking. It was after two days, when I got hospitalized for feeling exactly the same way, that I realized I just had a panic attack. Though it should have been easy for me to determine what’s been going wrong, given that I have some idea of psychology from school. But we never really think that something like this could happen to us now, do we?

After yet another round of medications on panic attacks, OCD, and anxiety disorder, I felt weaker day by day. The only good thing happening around for me was the extra attention and love I got from my mother. We haven’t been very expressive when it came to be emotionally available for each other. It was always the small gestures like she making a cup of ginger tea for me, without asking.. or me putting on her favourite old songs from the 80s or 90s! On one hand when those medicines made me feel tired and forgetful, my counselor tried to make me remember things that were troubling me, most of which went back to my childhood and was already forgotten about. But ofcourse, you don’t just open up so fast when you’ve hidden a few things so deep inside your head, that you yourself are scared of visiting them.

In three years now, I have been to many psychologists and undergone therapy only to realize that it helps, but only temporarily. The path to self-growth and self-love comes from hardships, it’s not that easy and some good people might help you or push you a little in the right direction, but the journey remains yours. You and only you can take yourself out of that bubble of despair, and become the best version of yourself.

As for me, it has been an amazing and life-changing experience which only motivates me to look ahead and keep moving forward. And sometimes when it gets too much, I still seek help from outside without hesitation. And it still helps.

The Indian society is fond of westernization. We love the idea of overall change in our lifestyle, maintaining higher social standards and improve in every possible way, which without any doubt, is indispensable. But then, we are so absorbed in the idea of normalising western culture that we often forget what our core values are, we remain oblivious as to what it is that we really want. We forget to cherish the simple things in life.

Everybody wants you to open up these days, try and be more of yourself but when you actually oblige by that, they take a step back because they don’t want to accept the boldness. I sometimes personally feel that no matter how hard we try to accept a person’s individuality, we as a society fail to completely appreciate it on some levels.

In a casual discussion with a friend one day when asked ‘What’s your hometown like?’ I said ‘It’s good but I don’t like it there.’ To which I was given a strange look and I was prepared for the next question which would have gone like ‘Who doesn’t like the place they’ve grown up in?’ Though the conversation ended soon I started wondering why is it so important to fall in love with my hometown when I’m totally in love with all the places I’ve ever lived in. A lot of people move around, one place to another, calling it home and I seem to love the idea!

In another conversation with a co-worker, I remember him complaining about our working environment and how nothing was right about it, to which I completely took his side and agreed. I don’t know what stopped me from saying that on the contrary, I loved working there. The colleagues, the bonsai by the desk, the red clock on the wall and ofcourse, the work; I loved it all!

I often wonder that in spite of saying we prefer originality, encouraging ourselves to be free, speak our hearts out.. we ourselves find it difficult to stand by it. Just as we put filters on our Instagram pictures to make them look prettier because let’s face it, who wants to see the real us? Now what is it, if not the fear of getting rejected? Are we all not looking for some sort of validation there?

This has to be changed. So the next time someone asks you to be yourself, ask them in return, ‘Will you be able to handle it?’ Whatever the situation, do not lose your true self to others.

Let us all try and build a society which is more open, unbiased and welcoming; because only then will we be able to create a safe environment where our opinions would matter, originality would be valued and that would be the time when there would be no hesitation before expressing our thoughts or feelings. And remember, the change starts from me, from you, from all of us.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Gandhi ji said; and that’s one good thing he said only if we follow it. So follow it, it’s needed and now would be the best time to start with it.

Love is the most felt, yet confused concept of all times. One moment you feel like you have it all, you understand it well, the very next moment opens up your eyes.
I have had a difficult time accepting the fact that some people fall for each other and stay in love for their whole lives without even getting tired. For me, I’d say I fall in love nearly with anybody who tends to say all the right things at the right time. And trust me when I say this, people have become too good at the ‘talking’. It’s as if they already know what has to be said to win over a heart. And they are, indeed, winning!
Attachments are bad.
Attachments, too early actually, are bad!
You basically think you’ve got it all figured out, that maybe this person is ‘the one’ and then you get it all wrong, every time! But how can you not fall in love with so many people when they are all so attractive in their own unique way, when they’re saying all those words which you desperately want to hear, when they’re getting all the songs YOU listen to.. It’s hard not to fall for them. It really is.
Then there are people who do find their lobsters (According to Phoebe- F.R.I.E.N.D.S) and then they stay together, forever & all… Well, good for them.. lucky lobsters!
There’s a thin line when you try to decide if this person is ‘the one’ or maybe they’re just too good at pretending like everyone else and sometimes we tend to ignore the clear signs. But it’s okay, ’cause we’re just kids.. kids in their 20s, hopeless romantic.. trying to understand it all at once. We’re just trying to find our perfect ‘kursi’ (According to Jug- Dear Zindagi); and all we got to do is be patient while trying different ones.. because someday someone is going to be ‘perfect’ for us, saying all the right things at the right time and MEANING IT; and maybe that time we’re going to love them for the rest of our lives! (Well, let’s hope so!)

Happy Valentines Already!

I grew up in situations where, at a very young age I realized that I had to be strong. Stronger than most people of my age were. I had a lot of pressure on my mind as a child but then I had no other option. It had been difficult, it had been tiring.. but most importantly, it took away my innocence when I wasn’t up for it.

I never made many friends in school, I had teachers coming up to me asking, ‘Why don’t you talk Samriddhi? Why are you so quiet all the time?’ to which I’d say , ‘What can I say.. I’m made that way!’ Believe me, it even came to a point where my teachers would ask other girls to talk to me, make me their friend! I felt embarrassed back then; Now I just laugh it off because they would always forget about it in a while.

It had been a beautiful journey though! I’ve always loved the fact that I’ll have to learn each and everything on my own, teach things to myself and correct myself if I go wrong.. and I managed to do so most of time if not always; cause let’s face it, nobody’s perfect!

I feel understanding our responsibilities, knowing our worth and acting accordingly is the most important thing that we, as a person should know. It teaches us a lot of things we need to know to survive in this world. Of course we get confused at times, we lose our tracks.. but these are the things which will eventually help us pull up back together. These are the things which we’re made of!

Today when I look back to that time, I only feel happy.. happy because I’ve grown so much as a person, I’ve become what I always wanted to be.. I’m going out, making friends, working towards the things I love to do.. and now when people come up to me and say, ‘You’re a strong one!’, I feel so good and confident about myself and just have one thing to say in return…’What can I say.. I’m made that way!’

You remember how hopeless romantic you were at first. It was always as if you knew you’d fall in love with a person and they’d stay with you forever, how you’d be everything to them and they’d be all you’ll ever need, how they’d stay with you through the thick and thins, through rainbows and rains.. but then you grew up and understood that love afterall could never be that easy. Apparently love these days is about having one favourite person along with a few others, just in case our favourites change! You thought ‘favourites can’t change’ but let’s face it, you started believing that ‘okay.. maybe this is how it’s done. This is how we live and this is what people do to survive. Maybe there are going to be a number of people and each one of them would play a different part in our life. Maybe one person would love one part of you, and for the other parts, you’ll have to find another human. So you just go with it.. and you keep going until that day when you finally realize that this whole concept of love is just beyond your understanding.. that no matter what, you can’t just give up on that thought that there is indeed ‘one’ person who is actually gonna stick along forever. The one who you’ll truly love and the one who will accept you for the way you are and would never leave your side no matter how hard the situation is.
Being a hopeless romantic in between this chaos is a gifted thing. Afterall it’s not a bad idea to believe in fairy tales once in a while.. and you never know.. maybe true love really is a ‘once in a lifetime thing’!

Okay so I’ve had a thing called depression along with anxiety and maybe I still have it; I don’t know. Ofcourse I talked to my friends about it, went for counseling and therapy, did all sorts of things to get rid of it. But I had people coming to me and saying things like ‘You know it’s all in your head, you’re just thinking too much or you’re taking it too seriously it happens with everyone, you’re allowing it all in your head, you can let go of it the minute you want.’
Really? I don’t think people dealing with depression are enjoying it in any way, they’re not liking to talk to others about what and why they’re facing, they don’t WANT to stay unhappy and they’re certainly not asking for sympathy. It’s just something that’s happening to them, they’re feeling this way and they have no control over their negative feelings. You can’t just say ‘It’s all in your head’ and walk away leaving that person feeling worse; because trust me they’ll think, they’ll think about it all the time and that would only drown them deeper. I think these people (people like me) need more listeners rather than people who come up with senseless suggestions and baseless arguments.
They’re going through a phase, it’ll all go away with time. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it. All you can do is BE KIND. Be kind towards their feelings, towards everybody’s feelings infact. You never know who’s going through what. Depression is real and it needs a lot of courage to be dealt with. Let’s not judge these people, support them instead; making this world a better place to live in.

#depression #depressionisreal #mentalhealthawareness #anxiety #thoughtoftheday💭 #letstalk #talkaboutmentalhealth